


You Took My Dreams From Me

by Nadja_Lee



Series: Broken Angel [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Broken Alec Lightwood, Cutting, Dark, Dark Jace Wayland, Dark Jalec, Depression, Dom Jace Wayland, Humiliation, Hurt, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Malec is endgame, Mental Health Issues, Obsession, Oral Sex, Pain, Rough Sex, Sad, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sub Alec Lightwood, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, burn marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:41:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22254313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: When Magnus breaks up with Alec over the Soul Sword Alec can't move on. Nephilim love once; fiercely. Alec sinks into a spiral of  self-destruction that gets increasingly worse. No matter what he does Alec can't stop thinking of Magnus and no amount of hate and pain can drive the longing away. Finally, he thinks he has a solution to make it all stop.Note: Alec is on a path of self-destruction here. His depression, self-hatred and self-harm spirals further and further out of control. While he does have sex with Jace in this story it's not love; it's his way of hating and hurting himself further. There is no doubt Alec loves Magnus in this story.If you want to skip this story about Alec's decent into pain and depression then go to the second story in this series "I turned my face away and dreamed about you" where Magnus returns and saves Alec.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood
Series: Broken Angel [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1602028
Comments: 38
Kudos: 916
Collections: DL;DR: Shadowhunters Fic





	You Took My Dreams From Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Krit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krit/gifts).



> Thanks much to my amazing beta Cindy as always. She felt this story tore out her heart so thank you for saying that, hon! She loved the following chapters of this series as she's just a romantic at heart so I want everyone to remember that if anyone need a little pick me up after reading this.  
> Thanks so much to Regina Danica Villa Bibit for the amazing series banner.  
> Given how dark the story is I will now give DETAILED warnings so SPOILERS  
> SPOILERS  
> SPOILERS  
> SPOILERS  
> SPOILERS  
> SPOILERS  
> SPOILERS  
> Chapter warnings: Borderline obsession from Alec towards Magnus and what they had. Depression and depressive thoughts and actions. Suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt at the end of the fic (‘death by demon’ -> Alec tries to kill himself by going out in a blaze of glory).  
> As Alec falls further and further into self-destruction and depression he self-harms in several ways:  
> Drinking  
> Detailed description of cutting with a razor and burning (with a lighter)  
> Referenced exercising and related injuries used as self-harm  
> Sex used as a tool to self-harm (Alec has sex with Jace, 2 explicit scenes for that, and then a few sentences references that he tries to recreate that with 2 strangers but it doesn't give the same; not detailed but mentioned),  
> There’s 1 oral sex and 1 anal sex scene between Jace and Alec which is detailed: The sex is violent and rough and borderline degrading and has nothing to do with love (just to make that clear).  
> You probably shouldn't be reading this if you are a fan of Jalec. They have sex in this story but it's not love; it's dark and twisted and is about hate and pain. It has nothing to do with love.

_Read chapter notes for detailed warnings. This is a Malec story but Alec uses sex, also with Jace, to deal with losing him. The remaining series is only Malec._   


# You Took My Dreams From Me

_“I can't help but love you even though I try not to. I can't help but want you. I know that I'd die without you” - War of Hearts, Ruelle_

When Magnus had broken up with him, left him, because he hadn’t told him about the Soul Sword Alec had thought maybe he could handle it.

 _Nephilim love once, fiercely_.

That he could pretend it was alright. He could go on. He had survived before. Before Magnus had made him open his heart and dare to hope; hope he could be happy. He had survived without hope before. He had lived without dreams before. He just needed to go back to that time; back to before Magnus. Back to before his heart had been exposed, overcome…and now shattered into a million pieces.

Then Max had barely survived, war was brewing and he was being pressured from every angle. The Clave was breathing down his neck; wanting results, wanting answers – always just hoping, waiting, wishing, he would fuck up so they could strike. He had exposed his well-guarded secret to them, to the world…and he was no longer useful for peaceful communication with the Downworlders. War was coming; who needed peace or Alec’s notions of humane treatment of Downworlders?

It became more and more difficult for Alec to even pretend to have confidence in his own skills or leadership abilities. He had always been insecure and suffered from low self-estemn but Magnus had helped him feel strong and confident. Now he had gone and fucked that up. His decision, his actions…he had lost everything for he had lost Magnus.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

Alec’s mind was spiraling, going over the same events and his own decision over and over again. His confidence was first shaky and then it started to crumble. If he couldn’t even do right by Magnus how would he be able to fix anything else? How could he be a leader? He couldn’t even lead himself. He had fucked up; he had failed.

Without Magnus there to tell him differently his newfound confidence dissolved in a matter of days. Maybe his parents had been right, maybe his instructors had been right, maybe the Clave had been right…he just wasn’t good enough, he wasn’t strong enough. Maybe Jace had been right when he had told him that time they had all first met Clary; maybe his best just wasn't good enough.

He had survived the first night alone, back in his old room at the Institute instead of being at Magnus’ loft as he normally was. Well, survived…he had gotten pissed out drunk and been hugging the toilet seat the next morning but he had survived. However, he had felt hungover the whole day even using his runes; he couldn’t keep drinking the pain away. The alcohol didn’t last long enough.

The next day the break-up was still clear in his mind; his pain was like a physical presence walking with him down the halls. He saw Magnus everywhere; memories were everywhere. Magnus in the ops room, Magnus smiling at him in his office, Magnus walking down the halls with him. Magnus, Magnus, Magnus! He was everywhere. Everywhere he looked, even when he closed his eyes he was there. He was inside his mind, inside his soul, inside everything that was him – Magnus was there. Always. Constantly. The agony of loss was brutal and never-ending.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely._

The second evening alone in his room the darkness was everywhere, mocking him, showing him Magnus in its shadows. He had fucked up. He had hurt Magnus. He didn’t deserve him. He deserved to suffer for ever having hurt him. He had ruined the best thing he had ever had; a man who had loved him, truly loved him. He had ruined that. Like he ruined everything he touched. Magnus was better off without him; he would just disappoint him again, hurt him again. He had been right to leave him. He didn’t deserve such love as that which Magnus had to give; had to offer. He had failed in the worst way imaginable and he only had himself to blame for now sitting here alone.

Magnus had taught him to love, had opened his heart. He had given him hope and dreams…a future. No matter how much he tried Alec couldn’t go back to how he had been before Magnus. He now knew he could have had it all. He could have been happy. If he hadn’t fucked up. If he hadn’t ruined it all. It was his fault. He had lost it all. He deserved this pain. This loneliness. Magnus had been hesitant about their relationship as Alec had never been in a relationship before; he had not even kissed anyone before. He had been right; Alec had ruined it, ruined it all. Like he ruined everything he touched. He was useless.

The silence of his room was deafening. The walls were closing in. His mind kept taunting him, showing him everything he had lost; all the beautiful and loving memories he had made with Magnus. Now all of those memories only brought him pain. He saw the memory of when he had lied to Magnus; the moment he had lost it all. How badly he had screwed up. Worse of all was the knowledge that he had hurt Magnus. The Warlock was better off without him; he would just fuck up again. Hurt him again. The memories replayed in his mind and just for kicks his brain started to add to it; his memories of loss and failing Magnus now got mixed in with all the other times in his life he had failed or fucked up. His brain was now showing him a torturous cycle of failure, disappointment and pain, playing on repeat in his mind.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

Unable to stand it any longer Alec sought release from the increasingly loud voices in his head doing what he had always done; apply some physical pain. He exercised all night, broke several fingers in his hand and kept going. He pushed his body to the limit and then forced himself past that limit. When he finally went to bed he was exhausted beyond belief and his body was aching, bruised and hurt but the voices had finally stopped, the memories had stopped. He had all but passed out as soon as he had laid his head on his pillow.

He managed to sleep around four hours, almost five. It was longer than he had thought he would but the strain he had put on his body had helped him to find oblivion in sleep, if only for a few hours.

The pain made the following morning easier, the lack of sleep also making him feel more airy and chased the emotional torment away a little too. When he reached the afternoon it wasn’t enough; the voices were back and his brain was starting up the nice little video of failures, disappointment and pain he had brought those closest to him; Magnus most of all. He tried to ignore it but he started seeing Magnus again; he could hear his laughter as clearly as if he was standing right next to him. He could see his beautiful eyes, his real cat eyes, laughing fondly at him. He could feel his arms close around him. He could smell him…he was here. He was everywhere.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

He needed more; new and additional physical stimuli to shut the voices up. He went to the gym again that night and repeated the painful exercise routine.

For four days he tried the same old routine that he had used since childhood, increasing his training and pushing himself further and further, lowering the hours he slept, eating very little. Yet despite broken and bruised fingers and ribs from the training it wasn’t enough. He was still seeing Magnus, hearing him, smelling him. He was inside his heart, his mind....every cell of his body.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

He needed something more, something else.

On the fifth day after the breakup he was again alone in his room, his broken fingers were wrapped in bandages with some lie or another he barely cared if people believed about the injury and why he couldn’t use iratze to heal them. He wanted to heal the Mundane way; it prolonged the pain and the physical pain was the only thing holding the memories of Magnus at bay. Yet it wasn’t working any longer. He couldn’t just go to the gym again. It was wearing off too quickly. That day he had already been seeing, hearing, feeling Magnus everywhere he went before lunchtime but had still had to fight his way through the remaining day. It had been a living hell!

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

He sat on his bed with his razor in his hand. It was an old-fashioned razor and he unfolded it, looking at the sharp blade. The voices in his head was screaming, his mind was on fire and he just needed all the voices to shut up; it was getting way too crowded inside his own mind. Memories of past failures, people telling him how he had disappointed them, some real memories and some fears of what could have gone wrong and perhaps still could, were playing in front of his mind’s eye.

Alec sat with the open razor on his bed for a good half hour, the agony in his brain increasing until it exploded. He could imagine Magnus so clearly in his mind’s eye it was as if he was in the room with him, his smell, his smile, his eyes sparkling. He reached out for the phantom of Magnus his mind had created, but it disappeared as soon as he touched it, falling apart.

Unable to bear it any longer he put the razor against the skin on his forearm and cut and cut and cut. He didn’t cry or even wince, he barely even felt the pain. He repeated the movement again and again, feeling increasing relief after each stroke as the pain started to fight its way through his brain and fight for dominance over the mental anguish. The thin lines were deep and elegant, painting gruesome but beautiful pictures of pain across his forearms. Finally, he had cut enough that the physical pain started to chase away the mental pain. Watching the blood drain from the wounds helped; finally his mental torment had a physical outlet. He sat staring at the wounds he had made for a while, finally feeling numb. He cleaned the wounds a little later and bandaged them but didn’t heal them, the sting a reminder, a distraction.

He repeated this action for a few days until Izzy started asking too many questions about the bandages which were now covering both his broken fingers and his forearms. Her concern and the embarrassment he felt at bringing her such worry had made him determined he wouldn’t do it again. Then afternoon came and the physical pain started to fade. Then the memories returned and again he saw Magnus walk beside him in the Institute hallways, he could hear him respond to him as if he was truly there. He could hear him say ‘I love you’ and he could hear him say goodbye. He saw him walk into the Institute and he saw him walk into the elevator and walk away from him. The pain quickly started to build inside his mind and when he was finally alone that evening he was so desperate to cut, he was almost shaking.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

He started to cut on his thighs instead of his forearms where no one but himself would be able to see. For around eight days it helped but each day he needed more cuts, deeper cuts, more blood until after eight days it no longer helped.

By accident on the ninth day after the breakup, he burned his finger and an idea came to him. That evening he instead got hold of a lighter and turned it on for a few minutes. He then turned off the flame and pressed the red hot metal to the skin of his arms and thighs, leaving visible burn marks that were excruciatingly painful but bearable, manageable. He added a bit of cream to the burns afterwards to prevent infection but left them to heal naturally, weirdly fascinated by the scars the burns would start to leave behind. It seemed fitting that his pain at losing Magnus would leave him physical scars just as it had scared his soul and his mind.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

Each day he added more and more burns until after four days the burns also stopped worked. The memories were back, the voices were back. Magnus was once again everywhere; the most excruciatingly painful phantom his mind had ever decided to torment him with.

The following day he was sparring with Jace. Due to his pure angel blood and the fact he could activate his runes instantly, without a steele, Jace could easily beat him. Having grown up with Jace Alec knew precisely what to say to edge Jace on, to make him get more brutal in his fighting style – bring out the warrior Valentine had raised him to be. Alec would keep baiting Jace to hit him harder and more brutally and Jace would ask if he yielded; Alec would kept saying no, edging Jace on to add layers and layers of bruises, their sparring turning increasingly more brutal. Without a steele Alec took the brunt of the beatings as Jace could instantly use his abilities to counteract any hits Alec did manage to get in. Jace had seemed horrified at the state Alec had been in after the fighting…which had actually been more of a beating, but Alec had insisted he was fine. He would heal it afterwards. He had again used his knowledge of Jace’s past to say something he knew Jace would believe; he would become a better fighter like this and didn’t Jace want him to be better, so he wouldn’t get killed in battle? Wasn’t this what they were meant to do, meant to be? Seeing the logic in that, as Alec had known he would, Jace had nodded and left.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

Alec had only healed the worst injuries from the beating and had left the rest. The pain had been in every part of his body; everywhere. It had distracted him from his mental torment and he had been able to sleep for a few hours. The next day the pain of the beating lasted till the afternoon and Alec knew he had found a new method that seemed to work. As soon as the effect started to wear off and he again saw Magnus, again remembered as clear as day how his lips felt against his, how his mouth curved when he laughed, and his eyes twinkled when he laughed… The agony of the memories brought Alec back to Jace for more ‘training’.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

Alec would seek Jace out for training the next three days in a row, making sure to keep taunting Jace to keep going, to not hold back, to get Jace to give him precisely what he wanted; a brutal beating that he would feel for hours. Every time afterwards Jace would ask if he was ok and every time Alec would insist he was and this was just what he wanted because it was.

However, even the beatings were starting to no longer work. It was wearing off faster and faster. The coming war was going horrible and the Clave sent him almost daily memos regarding his incompetence. Alec was no longer sure if he hated Valentine or himself the most. Frankly…he was going to have to go with himself. He couldn’t even do Magnus justice when he had left him. He was a loser; he did everything wrong and nothing ever turned out right.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

On the fourth day of their increasingly brutal sparring sessions, as Jace had him pinned to the floor, asking if he yielded Alec had shook his head as he always did. Then an idea came to him; something he knew would be bound to bring on a pain and a wave of self-hatred that could finally rival the pain he felt for Magnus. If he couldn’t beat the pain away maybe he could fuck it away. Wasn’t like he had anything to lose. His life had spiraled into three segments; physical pain, surviving the mental torment long enough to get the physical pain needed to silence it and finally – an increasing numbness in the in between hours.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

So Alec reached up and pressed his lips against Jace’s, closing his eyes, hating himself for doing it and that knowledge just made him press his lips even harder against his. Jace had promptly pulled back as if burned and had hit him hard in the face. The combination of the kiss and the physical pain was just what Alec wanted; it was everything Magnus wasn’t. It was wrong, brutal, twisted…and it made his self-hatred burn bright. He needed more; it was finally drowning out the pain surviving without Magnus was.

“I’m in love with Clary,” Jace had said firmly as he had stood up, looking down at Alec laying on the floor, wiping blood from a split lip from Jace’s hit.

“And I’m in love with Magnus but neither of them are with us, are they?” Alec had replied darkly.

“So what? Fuck you to forget about her?” Jace had asked crudely.

“No. Fuck me and forget the pain for a bit. Forget about Valentine, about the Clave, Aldertree …all that hurt and betrayal,” Alec had replied, knowing just how to push Jace’s buttons, knowing the pain he was fighting inside so well as if it was his own.

“If you are up for it,” Alec had added with a challenge in his eyes, baiting him.

Jace had activated his runes and had taken a bruising grip in Alec’s hair, looking down at him with eyes clouded by his own pain and internal turmoil.

“I won’t be gentle,” Jace had warned. “I can get that from any number of women. That’s not what I need.”

“I know. I don’t want you to be,” Alec had said, looking up at him with eyes that reflected the hell he was trying to survive.

Alec didn’t want soft and gentle; that would remind him of Magnus. He wanted to forget; he wanted oblivion even if it was just for a few seconds. He wanted it to hurt, he wanted it to be everything lovemaking with Magnus hadn’t been. He wanted it to be brutal and hard and cold. He wanted it to be just as broken and twisted and agonizing as he felt inside.

With his runes activated, his eyes shining golden Jace’s grip in his hair tightened, becoming painful and Alec almost sighed in relief when he got what he wanted.

“If we do this I won’t hold back. I will take what I want,” Jace had warned.

Alec had nodded or he would have if not Jace’s brutal hold in his hair had prevented it.

“I want you to,” Alec had said, his voice dark and anguished.

He didn’t want this to be about his own pleasure or release or anything even resembling consideration. He didn’t deserve that; he didn’t need that. He wanted the pain; the punishment. He wanted it to hurt on the outside the way he hurt on the inside; he wanted to focus on something else than the pain inside for just a little while.

To push Jace over the edge and get this going, whatever this fucked up thing was, Alec had added, “I don’t want your consideration or your care. That’s not what this is about.”

“It will be brutal. You want that?” Jace had warned, giving him one last chance to back out of it, his hand fisting his hair slightly shaking him back and forth in warning of what was to come.

Alec winced against the pain, relishing in it as it started to chase away the shadows. As he couldn’t nod his agreement he replied with a voice twisted and dark, with a naked need and pain he couldn’t define, “Yes. Put all of your pain and hate and frustration into it; I want you to.”

Alec knew he had said precisely what Jace needed out of this – a way to vent his hatred and pain and hurt on someone, even if that someone wasn’t really the one he hated. Someone he could hurt and break without feeling bad about it; someone who wasn’t soft and who wouldn’t speak to his protective side like his female one night stands, despite everything, still did.

Jace used his grip on his hair to force his head back, looking down at him, seeing the pain starting to cloud Alec’s eyes.

“This means nothing,” Jace had warned.

“I know. It means nothing,” Alec had repeated softly, his voice filled with all of his self-hate that he wanted Jace to put on him physically.

Alec had barely said it before Jace had forced his cock into his mouth, using his fist in his hair to fuck him at the pace, speed and depth he wanted. Alec almost gagged as Jace kept hitting the back of his throat, forcing tears from his eyes. He put his hands on Jace’s thighs for leverage and tried to surrender to the brutality of the blowjob, letting go of any other thoughts, fears and feelings than just this, being used like this. The forceful pull in his hair, the strain and brutality of the blowjob was just what he needed to shut his brain up and focus on this instead.

It felt like it lasted forever but likely it lasted only minutes before Jace came down his throat, making Alec cough as he fought to swallow as best as he could. He hated the taste, he hated being here and his cheeks were flaming red from the humiliation of being on his knees like this. Yet the agony in his brain was finally gone; he just felt…numb.

Having finished Jace released his hold on his hair with such force Alec fell to the floor, only barely managing to catch himself with his hands. Alec had looked up at Jace with tears down his cheeks while spit and come was running out of the covers of his mouth. His throat hurt and he hoped he wouldn’t need to do much talking later today but the voices were silent now, **finally**. He was able to focus on this; this pain, this humiliation with a numb detachment that should have frightened him but didn’t.

“It means nothing,” Jace repeated coldly as he looked down at him and Alec forced himself to nod.

“Nothing,” Alec repeated, unaware fresh tears from saying that began running down his cheeks. He deserved nothing better; nothing more. He had lost Magnus; he had hurt him. He deserved this.

_Nephilim love once, fiercely_

With that Jace had left, leaving all of his hatred and hurt and confusion from what he had suffered through both in his childhood and in the last few months with Valentine, the Clave, Aldertree…leaving it all behind in the brutality of what he had done.

They had never again talked about what they were doing and what each of them got out of it but it always started with a sparring match, Alec edging Jace on till he gave him what he wanted, needing more than just the pain from the beating he was taking from the sparring. At first it was just blowjobs, hard, brutal and with only Jace coming, either down his throat or on his face.

Then after one particularly brutal sparring match when Alec had managed to rattle Jace, his runes active to increase the force of his hits Jace had pinned him against the nearest wall, his face pushed flat against the cold surface. Jace’s anger had seemed to slow down when he had torn down Alec’s pants, leaving him exposed, but Alec wouldn’t have it.

“What? Not man enough to finish?” He had taunted him, his body bruised and weak from the beating during the sparring match but needing more, the voices were still there, the pain inside his brain was still there. He could still see the pain he had put in Magnus’ eyes; he could still feel it. He wanted to feel this pain instead; it was easier. It was almost a kindness.

“Shut up!” Jace had mumbled darkly, his anger returning as Alec managed to get him to do precisely what he wanted.

“Fuck!” Alec had screamed when Jace had bottomed out inside of him using only spit as lube. Damn, it had hurt more than he had thought. He fought to breathe through it, relieved when the voices in his mind slowly started to fade.

“Shit! You’re tight,” Jace had mumbled, sounding almost surprised as he had thrust in and out harshly.

“Is that all you’ve got? I can barely feel you,” Alec had taunted, knowing Jace could do it harder, more brutally, with the aid of his runes.

It hurt but not enough. Not nearly enough. The voices was still there; he could still taste his own failure, his loss of everything he had ever wanted with Magnus, on his tongue. So close he had been to happiness, to Heaven. He had lost it all.

 _Nephilim love once, fiercely_.

He didn’t deserve anything but this; this pain and humiliation.

“How about this?” Jace mumbled darkly against his ear as he forced his head back, a harsh grip in his hair, his eyes aglow from using his runes as he thrust so brutally up into him that Alec had a mental image of being split in two.

“Fuck! Yes!” Alec screamed. It hurt but Jace had managed to angle himself just right so he was also hitting his prostate at each brutal thrust. It was creating a weird mix of pain and pleasure he had never experienced before in his life.

As Jace kept up the brutal pounding, hitting his prostate every time, it left Alec constantly balancing between pain and pleasure, his mind now completely taken over by the contradictory sensations and he could not think or do anything else than feel this, this moment.

“Are you going to come from this? Untouched? You love being used that much?” Jace had asked darkly in his ear, his voice almost a snarl, his fist in his hair so tight he was pulling some hairs out, his thrusts so forceful he almost lifted Alec’s feet off the ground.

Alec hated himself for doing this; he hated everything about it. He hated his body, he hated how he reacted and he hated everything about it all. But he loved that his mind was gone, left blank and hazy, completely consumed by the pain, humiliation and brutality of it all.

“Yes!” Alec got out through clashed teeth, his eyes glassy, tears he wasn’t aware he was crying falling down his cheeks as he could feel his orgasm closing in, fueled by Jace's words.

“Then come, you greedy slut,” Jace demanded darkly as he thrust a few more times, each hit more hard and brutal than the last one.

“Fuck!” Alec cried and did just that, coming undone, his body needing the release even as his brain was on fire, hating himself for this, hating he needed this, hating he could come from this.

The heightened emotions, the pain, everything was too much and black spots danced before his eyes. He became aware of his surroundings again due to the increasing pain when Jace kept pounding up inside of him, feeling over-sensitive. He had to fight to not try and pull away. Fresh tears fell from his eyes as his body kept taking the merciless pounding and he was grateful Jace’s strength had him pinned to the wall or he wasn’t sure he could keep standing. Just when he thought he couldn’t endure it any longer Jace finally came inside of him with a harsh grunt, making Alec sigh in relief when the brutal attack on his prostate stopped.

Without warning Jace pulled out, forcing a small cry from Alec at the pain of it, and released his hold on his hair. Alec tried to keep standing, using the wall for support but his legs were shaking and he collapsed to the ground, trying to do so as gracefully as it was possible with his pants still around his ankles.

He was keenly aware that Jace was standing right next to him, looking down at him as he rearranged his clothes, the use of his runes meaning he had quickly recovered from his orgasm.

“Someone else has booked this training room from 16 hundred hours so you have a little less than ten minutes to get out,” Jace informed him matter of fact as he left the room, feeling lighter from having left his hatred and hurt behind with what they had just done.

Alec stayed on the floor for a few minutes, his legs weak and wobbly, tears staining his cheeks, feeling Jace’s come run down his legs and ruin his pants. His whole body was achy, sore and hurting but the voices was silent. His brain was finally hazy and airy. Fuck, this was so fucked up. He was fucked up. Shit. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. Yet even as he thought it he also knew he would be edging Jace on again tomorrow, trying to get him to be even more brutal next time, wanting and needed the oblivion this seemed to bring to the torment his existence had become. He barely managed to leave the room before 1600hrs, having had to clean up as well.

Jace and Alec had continued the destructive routine almost every day; Alec edging Jace on after they had sparred, trying to get him to be increasingly more brutal every time. However, Alec had become aware he needed to be extra careful when Izzy had noticed clear and obvious marks from Jace’s hands around his neck. Alec had managed to edge Jace on during their sparring and subsequent fucking the day before, throwing insult after insult at Jace while he had been buried deep inside of him. Finally, Jace had put his hands around his throat and squeezed harshly until he had finally no longer been able to keep continuing to speak his insults. After that time, not wanting to alert Izzy to what was going on, Alec had checked the bruises, scars and marks on his body every morning in the mirror to ensure he had turtlenecks or whatever else type of clothing was needed to cover it all up.

While the ever-increasing harsh and brutal sparring followed by ever more violent sex helped it was after a few weeks not enough on its own any longer. Thoughts of Magnus was always only a breath away. He could still so clearly hear his voice, feel his hands on his body, see his lips…

 _Nephilim love once, fiercely_.

So Alec started to spice it up with whatever self-injury was available to him that day – excessive training, broken fingers, bruised or broken ribs, cuts from the razor or burn marks from the lighter.

Alec wouldn’t say he was living; he barely felt alive any longer. But by doing this he could endure life. He could finish one day and start the next, he could keep doing his job as he was supposed to do with an increasing detachment and distance. He was honestly no longer sure if he could feel much of anything any longer, except pain. Emotional pain, physical pain. He wasn’t sure he felt much else than that.

 _Nephilim love once, fiercely_.

He had hoped with time the pain of losing Magnus would fade but it only kept growing, demanding more and more pain to dull, spiraling him further and further down the path of self-destruction.

That was until the day Jace had pulled the plug on whatever they had been doing. He had told Alec that Clary had left Simon and had finally agreed to be his girlfriend. He had used Alec for what he had needed; all of his pain and hatred had started to fade away and now, held safe and warm within the tender and loving embrace of the woman he loved, the rest of his fears, hate and anger was fading away. He no longer needed this thing from Alec.

They continued to spar and Alec could still edge him on to give him one hell of a brutal beating after another, all in the name of training, but he would no longer fuck him. It had meant nothing as he had reminded him and he now had what he had wanted. He no longer needed that release. Alec had tried to edge him on, even going as far as to press their lips together again; being reminded that kissing was the one thing they never did during this thing. This would be the second and as it turned out also last time he would press his lips to Jace’s; a kiss had started their destructive routine and this one ended it. Jace had pulled back and had had him pinned to the floor, a hand around his throat. His runes activated he had coldly but clearly told Alec never to do that again; it was over and if he tried again he would stop their sparring matches. Alec had admitted defeat and it had never happened again.

They continued their brutal sparring, neither talking about what had happened between them. Alec had managed to survive without the brutal sex for a few days, Jace’s marks around his neck as he had pinned him down helping. But the bruises faded and he was left with nothing but his own hatred and pain.

Soon Alec had to admit he still needed that release. Seeking something like that out from others at the Institute was too dangerous so Alec went to a Mundane gay club. Even with two men he found there and went with to a back room, they couldn’t come close to the power Jace had. Using his angelic runes Jace could put a level of force and brutality behind every thrust, every hit or every hold that a mere Mundane, even two of them, didn’t even come close to matching. At the end of it Alec had left feeling as empty as he had felt entering, his brain still on fire, the experience having done nothing to quiet the voices inside, even for a few hours.

 _Nephilim love once, fiercely_.

Without the brutality of sex as a coping mechanism he was seeing Magnus again everywhere. The memories were consuming him, burning him up from the inside out.

He had tried to escalate his other coping mechanisms; the cutting, burning and training injuries but it didn’t help. Nothing helped any longer. The pain of losing Magnus was increasing in strength and it fueled all of his pain and hurt and fears. He could no longer look at himself in the mirror, his self-hatred having reached new heights with no way for him to cope with it. Surviving each new day was getting more and more difficult and he was unsure if it was worth it. Life had become a living hell of self-hatred, hurt and pain and he had run out of ways to deal with it, to make those thoughts and feelings pause even for just a few hours.

 _Nephilim love once, fiercely_.

Alec was starting to toy with the idea of leaving, checking out. However, suicide wasn’t the Shadowhunter way. An idea came to him when he recalled something Simon of all people had once said to him; _suicide by cop_. The discussion had then turned to a longer explanation about how Japanese warriors would kill themselves instead of being captured and how some soldiers would use the chaos of the battlefield as a way to go out in a blaze of glory, dying a hero. That latter part appealed to Alec. He had been a disappointment to his parents and his people for most of his life. He could make his death matter; he could do that right at least.

 _Nephilim love once, fiercely_.

With each day the memories and the pain of losing Magnus grew stronger and stronger, unbearable. He knew what he had to do. Now he only had to act on it. He needed to do it right so no one would think it was anything else than a heroic sacrifice. An opportunity presented itself – a way for him to do what he had always wanted to do, sacrifice for those he loved, protect those he loved, while finally making the pain go away once and for all.

During a hunt Alec had seen Izzy in danger from a large demon. It was about to cut her back with its large claws, tear her apart while she was distracted fighting other demons. Alec had pushed her out of harm’s way and instead the demon cut its deep claws into his back. He was certain he yelled because the pain had been mind boggling. He had fallen to the ground but had still managed to put an arrow to his bow and had hit the demon in the heart, killing it. Despite the agony he felt a wave of relief and satisfaction. He had saved Izzy, the demon was dead and he would soon be free.

 _Nephilim love once, fiercely_.

He hoped for nothingness; no pain and no memories. If not then he hoped after-life would be kind to him and would leave him to believe maybe one day Magnus would return though he knew in reality that wasn’t possible. Magnus no longer trusted him. He had done this to him; to them. Thinking about it brought renewed agony and he fought to hold on to the feeling of oncoming peace. He could feel blood leaving his body; he could feel himself going limb. It wouldn’t be long now.

He was vaguely aware of Izzy’s concerned voice, as she called Jace and Clary. He heard her say something about trying to call Magnus and had weakly tried to say no; Magnus was better off without him. He was broken and damaged goods. The wounds from where the demon had cut him were bleeding furiously and felt like they were on fire; likely due to some demon venom having entered the wounds. Even with the healing runes Izzy and Jace had applied the wounds wouldn’t start healing, the pain wouldn’t fade. The blood loss and the pain gave Alec an airy and floaty feeling and he was smiling as he laid there in some back alley on the streets of New York; the voices in his head was finally quiet now. His vision was getting blurry and he could no longer feel his body. He should probably worry about that but he didn’t. He felt ok for the first time since he had lost Magnus.

Just as consciousness was starting to slip from him he thought he heard a beloved voice, one he had only ever thought he would hear in his dreams.

“Oh, Alexander.” Magnus’ voice, filled with hurt, pain, and concern and…love. How could there be love there, now? He didn’t deserve love; he never had.

“Magnus!” Alec mumbled, blood running from the corners of his mouth.

Alec smiled as he saw Magnus stand above him, his silhouette having an otherworldly glow. Was he real? Alec decided he was real because he wanted him to be, in that moment he wanted him so much to be real.

“What have you done to yourself, darling?” The vision known as Magnus said to him, his voice soft, his eyes filled with love and concern as he knelt next to him.

“Help me, please,” Alec begged, finally saying the words he had been unable to say since Magnus had left, the words he should have said, the words he had said using hurt, humiliation, pain, agony, sex…anything other than those words.

Magnus smiled but it seemed like a sad smile.

“Always, darling. Always. I’ve got you now,” Magnus said affectionately, sympathy and worry in his eyes.

Alec would have sworn he felt Magnus’ hand stroke his cheek, the gesture so tender and warm it almost made him cry.

“You can rest now. You can close your eyes. I’ve got you,” Magnus promised softly, his voice sounding weirdly heartbroken.

And Alec smiled for real, feeling….happy. Finally, for the first time since Magnus had broken up with him almost three months ago he actually felt happy. He could rest now. Magnus was here. He let his eyes close and let the darkness take him, secure in the knowledge that Magnus would take care of him now.

**The End**

**Continues in “I've built my dreams around you”. Read all tags and warnings**

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted the pain in this story to feel real and raw. Hopefully I did that.  
> This story was inspired by the song “Fairytale Of New York” by The Pogues. In the song the main character self-destructs and never recovers. After careful reflection I couldn’t leave Alec to that fate and thus we got a series instead. At first I was going to end it here...So I am not THAT evil after all!  
> If you liked the story please leave a comments or kudos.  
> 


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